The Best Hot Sauces That Will Heat You Up

I LOVE hot sauce and don’t leave home without it. I consider myself a bit of a hot sauce snob but I’m always willing to try others… in fact, I search out for the next flavor that will make my mouth bleed and my eyes cry acid. I asked friends for their suggestions for the best hot sauces so we could test them out for you. My family is still angry at those people because some of the hot sauces recommended were off the charts hot. Here were our results in the order that we tried them…  (our video review is below)

–          Marie Sharps

I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THIS. When it comes to the best hot sauces, this has always been at the top of my list. I lived in Belize with the Peace Corps for 4 ½ years and Marie Sharps Hot Sauce is made there, so I put it on everything. I am pretty sure there is something addictive in it (perhaps crack??) because I crave it like a drugged-up crack whore. It comes in many flavors (I have at least 7) with varying heat levels and flavors. My favorite is the original extra hot, but the green one has a great unique flavor too for those who don’t like as much heat. Basically, I use them all on EVERYTHING.

–          Truff

Truff was on Oprah’s Favorite Things list so you know it’s great. It is a hot sauce with a hint of truffle. They have black truffle or white truffle so it just depends on your preference. I tend to like strong flavors and strong heat, so I wish it had a tiny bit more heat. But I’m a freak and like to cry when I eat my hot sauce. I love the flavor, so I tend to add a bit more heat to it so it fits my style.

  • Baron West Indian Hot Sauce

Baron has always been one of my favorites. I tried it for the first time while visiting the Caribbean and it hooked me instantly. I go through a bottle every couple of weeks because it has some heat and the flavor is divine. It has a definite Caribbean flavor that adds a punch to anything. It is too hot for my husband so you need to be able to handle it.

  • Colon Cleaner

I thought with a name like Colon Cleaner it would be off the charts hot, but it wasn’t. It had a little afterburn so it was nice and the flavor was reminiscent of Heinz 57 and A1 Sauce with a kick. It would be delicious as a marinade on BBQ. The bottle was funny because it looked like the old fashion elixirs in western movies where the guy tells you his potion will cure everything. In fact, the bottle even says it cures the common cold and flu.

  • Bunster’s Shit the Bed

At 35,000 Scoville units (SU), Shit the Bed had a nice burn but it wasn’t too hot. Since Tabasco is only 700 SU, I expected it to hurt a lot more. My family felt the heat much more than I did, but I’m probably tougher. This one would also be delicious on BBQ if you can handle a bit of heat.

  • Satan’s Blood

This stuff was horrifyingly hot. Satan’s Blood has 800,000 Scoville units. Let me repeat that… 800,000 SU!! We were still sweating from the 35,000 SU on the last one so I’m not sure why we thought we could handle something that came in a bottle that looked like actual blood of Satan. We dipped our bread into it for the taste test but then found out it isn’t exactly a hot sauce but more of a ‘food additive’. One drop probably heats up a vat of chili for an entire football stadium. I love heat, but this one hurt so bad that my face was leaking everywhere, and somehow, my eyebrows felt like they were on fire… like actual flames shooting out from every hair follicle. We tried everything to get rid of the pain; drinking heavy cream and coffee creamer, salt, water, and wine but nothing helped… Although, wine helped me a bit after I finished the bottle. I recommend this as a gag gift or give it to someone who brags about being able to handle the heat or if you need to make enough hot chili for an army. But caution: ONE DROP IS ALL YOU NEED.

  • Dirty Dicks

This one didn’t seem to have heat at all but had a nice sweet flavor instead. I wouldn’t really consider Dirty Dicks a hot sauce because it tasted more like a nice, sweet BBQ marinade. But my husband loved this one because he doesn’t like heat.

  • Bunster’s Black Label

Bunster’s  Black Label is made by the same company as Shit the Bed and has moved into my favorite top five hot sauces. For those who love heat, it would be great on BBQ or tacos or anything in between. My family would kill me if I made something with it, so I have to stick with just using it as a topping on my own food. When you first taste it, there isn’t much heat but then it sneaks up on you hard! The bottle says, “may cause anal leakage” so I’m hoping I don’t have that tomorrow.

  • Mad Dog 357

With a name like Mad Dog 357, I expected it to be like Heinz 57 Sauce… but it isn’t. This one is 375,000 SU and the pain lingered in my ears and throat. Since it was less than half of the Scoville units as Satan’s Blood, we thought we could handle it easily but that was not the case. It felt more like ¾ of Satan. It tasted good (I think), but it had me drooling within seconds so use this sparingly. They really should have more of a warning on it because it looked innocent.

  • Sphincter Shrinker

Sphincter Shrinker has the same type of funny label as Colon Cleaner with it saying it will cure everything. At this point, we were burning and sweating everywhere so we were a bit scared. But the ingredients listed apple sauce as the first ingredient so how bad could it be? Bad! Even a little dot had my ears and throat burning again. It has a nice Indian flavor, but you need to be able to handle the heat

Now that my body is screaming, I am secretly happy this experiment is over. I thought I was tough, but this truly humbled me and now I am scared of eating anything hotter than baby food. If I turn up missing, it was probably my family getting revenge for making them try so many hot sauces. But I must say, we were laughing for hours, so maybe we need to do a “best hot sauces 2” someday.

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